The Kids Will Be Okay

When I was trying to figure out how to handle my failing marriage, one of my biggest fears was how this would affect my children. I hated when people told me not to worry, kids are resilient, they’ll be fine. But as a child of divorce myself, I knew that was something people told themselves so they could deal with their situation and not worry about their kids. I don’t think that a person is born resilient or that it is a quality all kids possess. I believe that resilience is developed over time, through experiences.

So why am I talking about this? Well it has nothing to do with divorce. It has everything to do with the opportunity that we are all currently presented with as parents. COVID has turned a lot of our lives sideways. We are overwhelmed with daily reports on “the curve” and the numbers in our state. We have no idea what is truth and what is speculation. We don’t know if or when things can go back to normal. We are tired of it and cranky about it. We long for the ease of our routines when schools and childcare were fully operational and we didn’t worry about our child’s health (only a shooting). We mourn the lost opportunities for our children and so we over compensate or at least make sure to lament about it to anyone who will listen. I get it. I have 3 kids and this whole situation is awful. But parents, we lead our children by example and now is the perfect time to show them how to be resilient.

What is Resilience?

Psychologists define resilience as the process of adapting well in the face of adversity, failure, trauma, tragedy, threats, or significant sources of stress—such as family and relationship problems, serious health problems, or workplace and financial stressors. Resilience is not a quality that we are born with rather it needs to be developed over time.

Why Is Resilience Important?

Life is full of disappointments, failure, stress, change, loss, and unfortunate circumstances. No one can avoid these things but how we handle them can make a huge difference on our quality of being. Resilience is the ability to stand back up when we are knocked down. It is being able to keep a positive mindset when faced with adversity. People who are resilient are able to continue to move forward even when they may not be able to see a clear path ahead. They exhibit mental toughness, determination and hope. Without resilience many people fall into unhealthy coping habits, depression and a diminished sense of self-worth and confidence. If you think about it, a lack of resilience could mean missed job and relationship opportunities that would better your life. Many people who struggle to handle stress and anxiety turn to alcohol and drugs to cope. Although we often don’t think about resilience until we are on the other of a negative experience and we observe how well we cope, it is an important quality to develop.

How To Help Our Children Develop Resilience

Resilience is a valuable quality to have however developing it is not easy. To become resilient we need to go through difficult experiences and watch others go through them. We start becoming resilient as children. Children often experience disappointment early on and quite frequently. On a daily basis kids can be disappointed by when they are served to eat, their schedule that they have little control over, the assignment they didn’t do well on, kids that played with them yesterday but don’t want to play with them today, not get partnered with the student they wanted to be partnered with, losing a game, etc. Some disappointments are bigger than others but all require a child to be flexible and manage their emotions and responses to these disappointments. Often times they look to their parents, teachers and other kids to figure out how to handle these disappointments. As children grow older often disappointments grow as well. It is important that as parents we guide our children on how to handle disappointments.
Here are a few ways to help your child develop resilience:

Allow your children to have negative experiences.
So often we want to shield our children from disappointment and failure. While this may seem like the loving thing to do in the moment, it is not beneficial to the child in the long run.
Guide your child through their difficult experience.
When our children go through a negative experience, don’t leave them to figure it out and fend for themselves. Talk to them about the experience, how they are feeling and healthy ways to handle it.
Acknowledge the reality and their feelings.
A boy who lost his father on 9/11 recalled that when it happened everyone did things to cheer up him and the other kids who lost parents. For a long time he struggled with his feelings about that experience. He had lost his father and felt incredibly sad and angry but everyone around him wanted him to be happy. At 8 years old, he felt conflicted and confused on how he was supposed to feel. It wasn’t until years later, in counseling, that he realized the reality of the situation was never acknowledged but rather avoided. His feelings were never dealt with. No one wanted him to be sad and so he felt like being sad was wrong, even though that is how he felt.
The best starting place is to acknowledge what is going on and your child’s feelings about it.
Keep a positive mindset.
This often takes practice and is not to be confused with avoidance. After you acknowledge the reality of the situation and your child’s feelings, now is the time to keep your chin up. This is important because it is easy to spiral downwards with all the negative, hopeless thoughts that often follow negative experiences. Keep an optimistic mind! Can their be a lesson learned that will help you later in life? Is there any good that can come from this experience? Where can we go from here to move forward? Think, “Yes it is a setback and we need to change our original plan but let’s do the best with what we have or make a better plan.”
Support your child.
While overcoming a challenge or setback, talk with your child, be there for them, encourage them, let them know you love them. Whether they show it or not, they need you to support them and be available.
Lead by example.
We often forget that our children are watching and learning from us. They pick up on how we respond to adversity. So be aware of how you respond to negative experiences. Do you fall into a depressed state or look for solutions? Do you through a fit and blame others or do you make a new plan? Do you give up or try again? Do you shut people out or ask for help?
Focus on what you can control not on the things out of your control.
Spending time and energy on things that we cannot control is a dead end and often leads to more disappointment and frustration. However, focusing on the things we can control allows us to see progress and personal growth.
Establish healthy habits and healthy relationships.
Getting enough sleep, exercise and eating right improve our mental state. Feeling good and thinking clearly help allow us to make better decisions. These also help us prevent and release stress.
Cultivating good, safe relationships with our children give them someone to go to for support when need it.
Teach your child to be flexible.
It is rare in life that we get everything we want. If you expect things to always go your way you will be faced with a lot more disappointment than someone who is more flexible. Practice looking at the big picture. Maybe they don’t have the unicorn rainbow ice cream you were hopping for but they do have pink and blue birthday cake ice cream. Maybe your child isn’t getting exactly what they had hoped for but they are still getting ice cream they like.
They are loved and valued – no matter what.
Maybe they didn’t do great on their last assignment but their overall grade is still great and there is opportunity to do better next time. No one can be perfect all the time and that is okay. Let your child know that they are not loved and valued because of their academic or sports performance but because they are your child.

If we can help our children develop resilience and equip them with the tools to handle setbacks and challenges then our children will be able to face life head on and come out okay (or maybe even a little stronger).

Resources:
Psychology Today: “Resilience“
American Psychological Association: “How To Build Resilience“
Very Well Mind: “What Is Resilience?“