Smile…

There’s a song that I never really understood until recently. “Smile, though your heart is breaking. Smile, even though it’s aching…” I used to wonder how anyone could smile if their heart hurt? When I realized my marriage was over, my heart hurt. It was the deepest hurt I had ever felt. It was a hurt that I couldn’t understand or reason away. I thought after I grieved it would go away but instead it lingers. I tried to think of it as a break up but it is much more than that, it is the end of the life you built and the future you thought you had. I tried to think of it like a death but there is a real live ghost that haunts me and I can’t find peace. No, I am not taking my marriage ending well at all.

At first I lived in pain. I cried until I almost lost my eye-sight. I barely made it through work and fell apart when I didn’t have my kids around. I was so sad and hurt. After about a year of living like this, I decided I couldn’t do it anymore. I decided that I had so many things in life to be grateful for and I wasn’t going to let a man make me miserable for the rest it.

Learning to accept that I couldn’t change or control things helped me deal with anxiety. Letting go of people who hurt me lessened how often the hurt swelled up in me. Focusing on the good things and the hopeful things in my life kept me from falling apart as often. The pain, sadness and hurt are not gone but I am coping much better than I had been. I needed to be able to laugh and smile with my children. I didn’t want to miss out on the good, happy moments of life.

For awhile I felt like I couldn’t be happy or that if I smiled or laughed it would mean that I was okay… and I’m not. But I refuse to bring my kids down or make them think for one second that they have caused me any sadness. I will not be the friend that brings everyone down with my sob story. Nor will I rob myself of any joy that comes my way… I need every little bit that I can get.

Where is all of this coming from? Why am I tell you this? Today a family member approached me and said, “I saw you smiling. I take it you two are all better?” As if we had the flu… I replied with the condensed version of the above. “No, we are not fine but I refuse to be miserable all the time.” That night I saw someone post these words, “Smiling doesn’t mean I am okay, it means I am strong.” And that’s exactly what it is. So many women have come to me and shared their stories. We are all so broken by past relationships and events yet we keep moving forward. We have scars. The ache is still there. But we have a choice, to drown in all the pain or to become stronger and fight for a more beautiful life.

If you are going through something hard, know you are not alone. A lot of us wear smiles but we have been broken like you. It helps to talk to other women who have been through the hard things and figured out how to keep moving forward. If you’d like to share your story I am willing to listen. You don’t have to feel alone in this.