My Fear of Peanut Butter & Jelly
Peanut butter and Jelly. Seems like a silly thing to be afraid of, right? No, neither I nor my kids have peanut allergies, thankfully. And I make my kids pb&j at least once a week but I don’t dare eat one myself. I know this sounds ridiculous but I can explain.
When I was in high school, I was full of insecurities (like all teenagers). I noticed that my best friend was becoming more popular, she was thin and outgoing. I also noticed that the boy I was dating like to flirt with girls who were thinner than me. So my 17-year-old brain decided that if I were thinner I would be more popular and my boyfriend wouldn’t pay so much attention to the other girls so I stopped eating and started running.
By the time summer came around I had to take naps every day because I had no energy. Then I got my wisdom teeth out and was given pain killers. The pain killers were wonderful! I would take them to help me get through the anxiousness I had from not eating. I learned to like the feeling of hunger, it meant that I was losing weight. I was 5′ 8″ and 100 pounds.
One night, I woke up in a panic. My heart was racing and I had sharp pains in my abdomen. I couldn’t decide if I was having a heart attack or my body was shutting down. My sister quickly grabbed some applesauce and insisted I eat some. Sobbing I took two bites and declared I couldn’t eat anymore. That night scared me.
I acknowledged I had a problem and began the mental struggle of allowing myself to eat again. It was so hard. I tried to focus on being healthy, rather than just thin but every time I ate I would cry. My first year of college, I would wake up at 4:30 to run 3 miles before class, go to the gym at lunch, have dance practice in the afternoon and was back at the gym in the evening. Now that I was eating (only healthy food and small portions), I obsessed over working out for fear that I was going to get fat.
One day, I allowed myself to eat a pb&j. Maybe it was because I relaxed and allowed myself to eat something less healthy, I don’t know but I lost control and binged. I had 3 peanut butter and jelly sandwiches! I would beat myself up over it for the next several days, eat less and workout harder, but soon I would find myself losing control and making pb&j. As I write this I know it sounds silly in a way but the mental and emotional struggle behind being anorexic isn’t funny or silly at all. It took me YEARS to change the way I look at food and my body and the struggle is never fully gone. If I focus too much on my body then I start to skip meals or obsess over what food I am eating. It’s unhealthy and I hate that I even spend any amount of my time worrying about these things. I am better than I was and still working on focusing on being healthy, rather than being super thin. However, I leave the pb&j alone.
