Like A Peony

Have you ever seen a peony? They have big, beautiful blooms that I adore! The blooms are so big and heavy that their stem cannot hold them upright. If they are not supported with a stake the flower will lay down and be weighted to the ground. I am like a peony.

Let me explain. I love deeply. This is who I am. I have tried to protect myself by keeping people at a distance or pretending I don’t care but nothing works. The truth is that this is who I am. If I care about you, I do so wholeheartedly. I will give you the shirt off my back, you will be on my mind and I want only good things for you. I genuinely, deeply love you. This is the way I love family and close friends. This kind of love is heavy.

There have been times when someone I love deeply has hurt me and when that happens, because my love is so heavy like the peony bloom, I am hurt deeply; this hurt weighs me down to the ground. Because I am hurt deeply, it takes a long time for me to get over the offense. I think it is because I have a hard time understanding why the person I loved deeply didn’t love me in the same way. Or, if they have walked out of my life, why they wouldn’t want me in their life anymore?

Either way, like the peony, I would never be able to get out from under the weight of the deep hurt without the support of a stake (aka God). With him I can overcome the weight, move on, and continue to bloom.

So how exactly does this work? How is God a supporting stake and does it have to be God or can something else be that stake. I am going to be painfully honest, I have struggled with this kind of hurt constantly throughout my life. Best friends have walked out of my life without explanation. When I have reached out I was told to move on, I didn’t fit into their life anymore. I have been betrayed by several of the people I have loved most. I have cried many tears wondering why I am not good enough to be friends with anymore. How can someone say they love you and then repeatedly hurt you?

The truth is that in most cases there is something going on with them that you are unaware of. And while that can be somewhat comforting, it doesn’t take away the pain or the fear of investing in future relationships. First you need to accept that you cannot control someone else’s actions or behavior. Hoping they will be something they are not sets you up for disappointment. Accept the people in your life as they are, imperfect humans. Second, stop placing your value and worth on how others treat you! What an emotional rollercoaster! Who you are as a person has nothing to do with another person’s decision to treat you poorly. That has everything to do with who they are as a person.

So where does the stake come in? Although I know that I can’t control what others do. And I know that my worth is independent of how someone treats me. But it still hurts. It is still hard to work through. And I need reminded that I am worth loving. This is when I lean on God. Jesus loved me so much that he died for me. He forgives me when I do things that hurt him. He listens when I need to talk. He picks me up when I’ve hit the ground because the hurt is too heavy. He is my stake. Who I am, my friendship, my love is beautiful like a peony’s bloom. Holds me up so I can continue to love others despite how they act towards me. I have spent a lot of time putting my hope in people. Hoping that a new friend may turn into a best friend. Or that this time when someone tells me they love me it is not just so they can manipulate me. But everytime I have found myself on the ground. The pain compounded and I started believing that I really was impossible to love. But that is a lie.