He Loves Me. He Loves Me Not.

Valentine’s Day is almost here which makes me think about love It may seem trivial and obvious but love is actually a very tricky and complicated thing because it is emotional, not logical. Millions of books, movies, and songs are written about it. It has the power to dominate our thoughts, override common sense and control our actions if we let it. It is a part of our lives. It can be wonderful and it can be devastating.

If you have ever had your heart broken, you know it’s not something you want to repeat. If you could add a little logic to your emotional reaction to the hope of love, you could save yourself from excessive heartache and make better decisions about who you choose to fall in love with.

Disclaimer: For those of you who want to argue that you can’t choose who you fall in love with and I will actually agree with you. However, even if you fall in love with someone doesn’t mean they are a good person to be in a relationship with. For example, I loved the man I married and I thought he loved me. When things started falling apart early on in the marriage, I wondered how this could happen when we loved each other so much. The truth is that it wasn’t love that he was showing but rather his selfish nature. I just didn’t know the difference.

Girl, do NOT be fooled by something that is disguised as love. It is a wolf in sheep’s clothing and will screw you up as soon as you trust it.
1. Learn what love looks like.
2. Learn to walk away.
3. Know your worth.
4. Learn to accept what love isn’t.

You see, I thought that him wanting to spend time with me was because he loved me. The red flag that I ignored was that when I needed time away he would guilt me into being with him but when he had something else to do it was fine that we weren’t together. My personality is accommodating so I just adapted my schedule as best I could so I was busy when he was busy and I was free to be with him when he wanted me to be. There were a lot of double standards so that in the end he got exactly what he wanted and I was left compromising to make it work. If I wanted to spend time with him, it had to be doing what he wanted and even then he was super competitive. He would use the fact that I loved him to manipulate what I did (and didn’t do) so that the outcome was in his favor. The point is, there were red flags at the start of our relationship that I ignored because I thought we were in love. The truth is, I didn’t know what love looked like.

#1. Love does NOT make you feel crappy! Love builds you up and makes you feel like you are a good person, not someone who is always doing things wrong. If you are with someone who is always putting you down, go find someone who has only good things to say about you.

#2. Love should never make you feel afraid. If you ever feel afraid, IT IS NOT LOVE! If you are with someone who you are afraid to upset because of their reaction then you are not in a healthy relationship.

#3. Love does not tell you what you can and can’t do. This one is so obvious, yet it blew my mind when I realized I allowed this myself. When you met the person you are interested in you were one complete person with dreams, standards, values, morals, interests, friends, etc. You want the person you are with to love you because of who you are and those things are part of you. If someone tries to change you, tell you to give up on your dreams, wants you to do things against your beliefs, give up friends… tell them to take a hike! You will exhaust yourself trying to be what someone else wants all the time and you will lose yourself. Love will make you want to be a better version of yourself not make you someone you are not.

#4. Love is honest.
So I know a guy who is a smooth talking devil. He knows exactly what to say to get what he wants and he is really good at it. He is easy to fall for and hard to get over. The problem is, everything he says is a lie. These guys are hard to figure out but there are often signs. These guys generally know their ability and like to use it to get attention. For them, it’s often the thrill of the chase that they like and they are always on the lookout for the next thrill. These guys are always on their phone, going out a lot (without you), and like to keep secrets. To be honest, you need trust if you are going to have love. If he lies or hides things then you should let him go. Distrust will eat away at a relationship and leave you feeling crazy, jealous, and drive a wedge between you and the one you want to love. It just doesn’t work.

Love is not easy. And there are a lot of things that may look or feel like love, especially when we want it to be love. But taking part in a relationship that is not rooted in real love will leave you aching for the real thing. Don’t settle for the first thing that seems like love. Know you are worth the real, genuine thing.

Real love feels good. Love respects who you are and encourages you to be just that. It will support your dreams, celebrate your highs and be your safe place to land when you hit a low point. Love is honest with you. Love thinks the best of you and hopes the best for you. It doesn’t have to be in the same room with you to love you. And when things get hard, love sticks it out with you because it knows you are worth it. Love makes you a better person because you want to be the best for it.

No love is better than fake love. Real love is worth looking for.