Great Expectations…

Looking back, I was naive. I thought that I was in control of my life and I could make it be whatever I wanted. It took me until I was 30 to realize that there is very little that I can control and no matter how bad you want something you cannot force it to happen.

If you were to ask me when I was younger how I thought my life would turn out I would give you two very different, yet clear paths that I KNEW my life would take. HA! It sounds silly now to say that at the time I “knew” how my life would turn out. At the same time, I miss when I thought that I could predict the path my life would take… those were carefree days filled with limitless possibilities (at least in my head).

The truth is, I started down one path that I was sure would lead me to the life I wanted, but there were some bumps and road blocks. I pushed past them, over looked them, and thought I could fix the path as I went. The path got worse and it started to get steep, but I pushed on. I was determined that my life would turn out the way I wanted it to, I just had to make it over the mountain. The thing is, I got to the top of the mountain and instead of my beautiful life waiting there for me there was a sharp drop-off, a cliff, a dead end.

I stood there at the top of the mountain feeling defeated. How could I have come so far and worked so hard for it all to come to an end like this? I looked back at the path I took and it was obvious that the path was not going to lead to a good place but I was so dead set on what I wanted to happen that I ignored all of the warning signs. I was in control. This is my life and I was going to make it what I wanted it to be. I sat at the top of the mountain and cried. I cried a lot. Hope was gone. I would never have the life I dreamed of.

I stayed in that place for awhile not knowing how do get back down the mountain. Jumping off the cliff? Well that would be suicide but I didn’t want to walk back that incredibly disappointing and painful path that brought me to that hopeless point.

So I sat. I told God I was mad at him for allowing this to happen and then not rescuing me when I needed him. I blamed and disliked all the people who had hurt me, turned on me, abandoned me… I drank because that was the only way I could sleep when I was completely alone. I sat for almost a year and guess what? Bad stuff kept happening! I had checked out and given up control and there was still chaos… I was NEVER in control, at least not in the way I wanted to be. I finally realized that most things in life are out of my control and that I needed to let go of the notion of being able to control what happens in my life. I am solely in control of my actions, no one else’s. No matter how much I want someone to love me, be my friend, be kind, or do the right thing, I cannot make them do that. My path had been carved out of the thinking that other’s actions would reflect my own. My husband would love me the way I love him. My friends and family would interact with me in the same way I interacted with them. But regardless of my actions, people can do, feel and say whatever they want.

My path, albeit rough, was clear. It was clear that I was not going to get the life I wanted on that path but I ignored it because I thought I could change it. After about a year of sitting at the top of that terrible mountain, I decided that I didn’t want to spend the rest of my life there, looking at the dead end and the disappointing path that brought me there. I was able to look at the things in my life that were still good. I was healthy and had 3 amazing children I adore. I started to walk back the path that I hated and as I did I dealt with every bump, pothole and rough patch I ignored on the way up. As I do, I know I cannot change the circumstances that caused the path to be painful but I can accept them as part of my past and learn from them. I may not be in control of what happens to me but I can control how I handle it. I can still choose to have a good life, a beautiful life, even though it looks nothing like what I had expected.

I am not done walking down that undesirable path but I am not alone. Along the way, I have met other women who have stayed on the wrong path for too long. Some have gotten through it and started on a better path. Some are still walking back like me. And still some are pushing forward because they don’t know what else to do. As much as I hate the path that has brought me where I am, I am a much more understanding and compassionate person because of it.

After I wrote this, I saw a chat between Priscilla Shirer and Katherine and Jay Wolf. Neither Katherine or Jay’s lives turned out in the way they had dreamed. Katherine even laughs at the thought that we could control how our lives would turn out. Still they have found joy in their lives.
(Watch to hear their insight on life and marriage)

I have learned so many lessons over the past few years but two of the biggest things I learned that you NEED to do to have a joyful, beautiful life is letting go and accepting. You need to let go of what you cannot control and accept your life as it comes. That in NO WAY means give up and settle. It means you will be miserable if you cannot let go of the disappointments in your life. Whether it is a thing, a person or a hurt, let it go. Accept the life you have in this moment and make the best of it. That is the only part of life you can control, what you do with what you are given. Take the life you are given, accept it, and make it beautiful like only you can.

I titled this post, “Great Expectations” because I think when we are young we all have great expectations for our lives. I heard someone say, “expectations are predetermined disappointments”. If we give up our expectations for our lives and make the most of what we are given we will all be a lot less disappointed and a lot more filled with joy.