Are You Financially Trapped?

Hi Ladies. As women, especially moms, we are always trying to do what is best for our families, often at the cost of what is best for us. This is true in most aspects of our lives, including financially. One reason women who find themselves in a bad relationship don’t leave or seek help is because they are financially dependent on their significant other. I wanted to share a few thoughts on this topic that may help if you find yourself in this situation.

In a healthy relationship, couples work together financially to pay bills, plan retirement and build a life together. When the relationship is unhealthy, one person tends to control the finances in their best interest and in turn controls the other person in the relationship. For example, Maggie and her husband John decided when they had kids that Maggie would quit her job and stay home to raise the children. Since this has happened, John sees his income as “his money” and gets angry if Maggie spends any money. When Maggie spends money, John makes rude comments, gives her dirty looks, stomps around the house, or opens a separate bank account she can’t touch. Eventually, they get into an argument where John reminds her that she doesn’t contribute financially and all the money is his. Maggie reminds him that she used to contribute financially but that they agreed raising the children was now her contribution to the family. Maggie offers to get a part-time job or go back to work but John is also unhappy with those options. He doesn’t see the point of one income going to childcare and he doesn’t want to give up his free time to watch the kids so she can work part-time. The issue blows over until Maggie needs to spend money again and the episode replays itself. Maggie notices that their relationship is suffering but any suggestion to seek help is turned down because John doesn’t want to spend the money. Maggie feels trapped.

Maggie’s story can go many different ways but as long as John does not acknowledge that both he and Maggie are making sacrifices and contributions to their family, their relationship is going to suffer. If Maggie wanted to go to counseling on her own or if things were bad enough that Maggie felt she needed to separate from her spouse she wouldn’t be financially able to without the help and support of family or friends. This is an incredibly hard situation and sadly it is very common.

I want to encourage women who find themselves in a situation like this to start looking for ways to save some money in case you need it. We should never feel trapped or controlled by our spouse. If you can’t get a job outside of the home, maybe start an Etsy shop if you are good at making something. It could be that you make awesome spaghetti sauce, apple butter, cookies, etc and you can sell them to friends and family or at a farmer’s market. Maybe it is letting your family know that for birthdays and Christmas, instead of material things, you are saving and would really prefer the money they would spend on a gift as the actual gift. I know it is incredibly hard to be honest and ask for help but, in some cases, this nest egg could save your life. If you have a close, trusted relative that is financially able, you may even ask them to open a savings account with an agreed amount of money in their name that you could have in the case you need it.

Remember, this is for cases where you feel unsafe in your relationship and feel a real need for this type of action. I am not talking about an argument because you went overboard on your last shopping trip. This is about a repeated behavior pattern of control.

The best case scenario is that you and your spouse can work through this rough patch and build a stronger relationship. When trust is fully restored that savings could be added to retirement or maybe a much needed second honeymoon. Worst case, you need the money to start a safe and healthy life away from your spouse.

ONE WORD OF CAUTION!!! Some spouses may see you saving money as dishonest, sneaky or an escape plan. You need to be a good judge of your own situation. Maybe you need to place your savings in the care of a trusted family member if you do not feel safe going to the bank and opening an account or keeping the money in your home. If you are worried about your safety, please seek help and do not do anything that will provoke your spouse. The whole reason of saving this money is to get out of a bad situation, not put yourself in one.

We all started out thinking we would have a “happily ever after” but when that doesn’t happen we need to make decisions that are going to keep us safe and healthy (mentally, physically and emotionally).